A few months ago I wrote a post about the way in which spending time with my Dad who has dementia had caused me to reassess bits of my life. It placed so much in perspective, work and relationships but also all the time I spend thinking about diet and training. In many ways none of this matters....but in other ways this is so important, so vital to live and experience this world. Take all that it has to offer.
I was with him again this weekend. It was so good just to sit with him in his confusion. Family is a constant for him - he recognises us and while he is not sure where or when he is, our presence calms him and gives him an anchor. I held his hand for a couple of hours while he talked or slept, my mum holding the other. When his eyes opened and he saw me and smiled, sighed and said "You're a good lad." I melted. I want to look after and protect him to carry this burden. Yet I have to leave and return to a different world of work and worry. In the last 2 weeks work has been unpleasant, hard. It feels beyond me at the moment, demanding skills I don't have, resources that I cannot summon. But the atmosphere has changed and it is all macho posturing now, alpha males striding their territory.
The petulant anger and behaviour of people has bemused me. When their tempers flared I just felt the pointlessness of it all. I felt like laughing in their faces, or alternatively smacking them....I am sure I could out alpha with an elbow strike. In a few decades none of this will matter. When all else starts to fade, it is the simple things: a smile, a hug, a look of love that create meaning and value.
That gives me strength. I know that I can walk away because what matters is not what they are worried about. The key is in the smiles, the love.
The hills remain. Family, my love and the hills remain. Whatever else is going on there is an escape. And fitness facilitates all that. If anything I can do will prevent me ending up like my Dad it is good and worthwhile. Yet beyond that we are all going to die. There is an end to all this. What goes on? What is really worthwhile?
I was with him again this weekend. It was so good just to sit with him in his confusion. Family is a constant for him - he recognises us and while he is not sure where or when he is, our presence calms him and gives him an anchor. I held his hand for a couple of hours while he talked or slept, my mum holding the other. When his eyes opened and he saw me and smiled, sighed and said "You're a good lad." I melted. I want to look after and protect him to carry this burden. Yet I have to leave and return to a different world of work and worry. In the last 2 weeks work has been unpleasant, hard. It feels beyond me at the moment, demanding skills I don't have, resources that I cannot summon. But the atmosphere has changed and it is all macho posturing now, alpha males striding their territory.
The petulant anger and behaviour of people has bemused me. When their tempers flared I just felt the pointlessness of it all. I felt like laughing in their faces, or alternatively smacking them....I am sure I could out alpha with an elbow strike. In a few decades none of this will matter. When all else starts to fade, it is the simple things: a smile, a hug, a look of love that create meaning and value.
That gives me strength. I know that I can walk away because what matters is not what they are worried about. The key is in the smiles, the love.
The hills remain. Family, my love and the hills remain. Whatever else is going on there is an escape. And fitness facilitates all that. If anything I can do will prevent me ending up like my Dad it is good and worthwhile. Yet beyond that we are all going to die. There is an end to all this. What goes on? What is really worthwhile?
Comments
'The hills remain.' That line will stay with me for some time to come.
I wish you and your kin strength in this time of need. Enjoy the good bits, forget the bad.
Best,
John
This moved me, I am closing up the computer and going home to hang out with my kids now. Thanks.
Love, family , hills, they have always been and always will be.
Please when you have the time read this passage. Page 200-203 from the buddhist monk thich nhat hanh, profoundly explaining "nothing is ever born, and nothing ever dies."
It was taught to me by my japanese teacher...it provides peace and great comfort.
http://books.google.com/books?id=8g3fPulSjYIC&pg=PA202&lpg=PA202&dq=Elizabeth+lesser+nothing+dies&source=bl&ots=24rPQNyu9B&sig=gISs1UxSNX6LXcB1j9jJBmkStwM&hl=en&sa=X&ei=ztgnT5PlHtOP0QGuqMSxAg&sqi=2&ved=0CCgQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q&f=false
As to work..I'm with you my friend. I smile every day on the inside at my co-workers perceived importance. I don't laugh at them mind you...it's more of a compassionate inner smile...after which I often just dream of my soon to be wife and us surfing or walking somewhere together...
cheers,
Marc
I'm not sure what you're doing at the moment workwise, but it definitely sounds like it's not working for you!
You've clearly got a talent, passion and motivation for health/fitness/writing, my advice is to get out of there ASAP and do your own thing.
Quitting "real work" and following my passion for helping people sort out their health and improve their lives was the best decision I ever made.
Taking the leap is pretty damn scary, but I'd never look back!